Love. Nothing Else - Doesn't Envy

Love does not envy but I know a thing or two about envy. Envy was my close companion for many years.

I always wanted to be a mom. As a child, I played “family” all the time - with or without other kids. And I always had a baby girl when I played. My plan for life was to be a mom and to have a daughter. I lost my mother in a car accident when I was 12. That was probably the time envy and I started up our friendship. I was envious that other girls had their mothers to show them how to put on make-up and deal with boys. Over time, my plan for being a “girl mom” became that much more important to me. I craved that mother-daughter relationship, so I needed to create it.

When my husband and I started trying to make our family, I was certain a daughter was just nine months away. I prayed for a daughter and I heard the Lord tell me she was coming. So when the doctor said “infertility”, he had to be wrong. We saw doctor after doctor and did treatment after treatment for many years until the doctor said there were no more treatments. He said we should consider other avenues. I was 28 years old, my husband was 30, and we had reached the end of the road trying to have biological children. I was a constant shade of green with envy. Every pregnancy and birth announcement was a personal vendetta against me. I pushed friends away, refusing to celebrate their happiness because of my envy. I pushed God away.

Then a light! A daughter of a family friend was pregnant and wanted us to adopt the baby. We jumped into it head first. A month later we found out the baby was a girl. I was so happy. We started going to church again and I started praying again and my constant green shade got paler and paler each day. As my relationship with the Father grew deeper over the next few months, our relationship with the birth mother grew more and more strained. Every time, I would hit my knees and pray. My prayer always started with “Please God, please let me have this baby girl.” He always eventually guided me back to praying for His will and not my own. But that certainly didn’t soften the blow when that baby was born, the birth mother changed her mind, and we went home empty-handed. Side note – the ultrasound tech was wrong; she gave birth to a boy.

The next year was hard - harder than hard. My husband turned away from God completely. Envy showed up again and I invited her in and we sat for a while together. But I was still hearing my Father too. He was pushing me to get out of isolation and to get back in His word. And I did. I threw myself into all things church and surrounded myself with Godly friends. I tried everything to get my husband back to it but I couldn’t, so I sought out help. With the help of a pastor friend, my husband started coming back around too. After our last counseling session with the pastor, I finally surrendered the infertility and envy to the Lord. I felt the burden lift and for the first time in YEARS I wasn’t envious. I was happy in my own life and also happy for others.

A year to the day that we lost the adopted baby, we conceived a baby of our own - to the shock of everyone. I just knew from the beginning it was a girl. I was planning girl names and a girl nursery. On a rainy day in November, we went to our ultrasound to find out the gender. I wore a pink sweater that day because it was a girl and I was prepared. The tech said, “Do you want to know the gender?” and, of course, we said, “yes”. She said, “It’s a boy!!” I said, “No, are you sure?” She showed me the picture and said, “Yes, I am positive.” I felt devastated in that moment and thought, “What the heck, God?” God said to me, “This world needs the Godly man you will raise.” At His words, the devastation lifted and I was overjoyed just to get the chance to be a mother - the mother my Father expected me to be. Avery was born on April Fool’s Day, 2015.

Fast forward to the middle of January 2019 - a typical Wednesday with my Selah family. Kids were running here, there, and everywhere. Friends were catching up on the week with each other as we broke bread together. Then, in walked the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She was standing in the doorway looking like she didn’t know if she should run or hide - or both. As I stood across the room wondering who she was, God whispered in my ear “That’s her; go love her.” Let me stop and say, I question God a lot. He has to remind me daily that His plan trumps mine in all ways. But this time, I didn’t question. I just walked right up to her and introduced myself and asked her how I could help her. She was super timid at that time and didn’t give a lot of info. A while later our pastor, Ryan, said she had dealt with some unnecessary drama the night before and was staying with a member of our church family for a bit. During our prayer time, Ryan asked the ladies to lay hands on her and pray over her. I can and do pray day and night - in my head and by myself. I am usually so self-conscious doing it out loud in a group. But as soon as I laid hands on her, I got visions of my own troubled adolescence (remember my mom died and my dad was an addict) - visions I have spent years trying to forget and even some I had forgotten. Before I knew it, I was praying out loud for this girl and honestly, I don’t even know what I was saying. I just knew I had to go before her and on her behalf. We went home that night and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I told my husband, “She’s supposed to be with us.” It took a few weeks, but I managed to get her out to dinner. From that dinner we planned to hang out again, and the next time made a few more plans. Within 2 months of meeting her, she was staying at our house regularly. Six months later, she lives with us unofficially.

Now, if you have spent any time with a teenage girl, you know they are not a walk in the park. And this girl is no exception. But she has a light that shines so brightly. She is my daughter the Lord promised me. The Father is a promise-keeper all the time, but it’s in His time. I couldn’t move past the infertility on my own; I had to surrender it to Him. And it wasn’t possible for me to move past my envy of other moms without casting it on Him. Love does not envy, it does not boast. Until I could love without envy, He could not fulfill His promise.

James 4:6-10 says, “But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: ‘God opposes the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”

Me and envy haven’t talked in a while. I’m too busy pouring the Father’s Love into my beautiful children.

Alicia Wadlington